It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
These tits shall not be calmed
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
