I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
