don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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