Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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