Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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