Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
