dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Enjoy the penises
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
