Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
