I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Boobs speak an international language.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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