Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
