Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
