my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
it's like iHOP with fire
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
