did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
