i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
