You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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