Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
