I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
