he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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