I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
