I'm lost and stupid without you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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