yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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