It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Princesses don't give blow jobs
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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