i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
