this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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