Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
