A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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