I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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