I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize