Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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