I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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