Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
