someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
