Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize