I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
