he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
