Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
