get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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