someone threw a dead crab at me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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