So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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