I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
