Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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