I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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