2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Non-Jews are for practice
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
