No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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