Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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