She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
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