my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
