Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
