god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
