I just pynch a tree in the face
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
