He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
