So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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