Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
