worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
