I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
