He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
