Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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