why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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