new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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