im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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