my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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