i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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