I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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